( A sigh. This is fine. It's Cosima's choice. It's fine.
She hates it, but it's fine. She can't in good conscience protest Cosima's involvement if it should come to experiments and allow others to carry on, but...
well, she hates it, that old chestnut. Life's a barrel of laughs when you have control issues and are terrified of losing people. )
I'm sorry.
( For freaking out a little, for making this more about her feelings than was appropriate, for Cosima not having a choice in the past - all of that. )
No one should have taken that choice from you. ( Arguably an interesting position from someone who is pro-Circle when those do take some choices from people, but okay. ) Are you... referring to the matters from home?
No -- it's OK. I know you're worried because you care, and I'd rather feel like you'd say something.
[A pause, then regarding the second half:]
And yeah. Turns out I was being measured and observed without my knowledge for... a while. By someone I thought I could trust. It was a hell of a thing.
[Well, that, and the time she was experimented on by the Venatori, but Cosima is not interested in bringing that up again ever. At all.]
( They've both of them been betrayed by someone they trust. That is an unhappy realisation. )
There was... when the Spire was annulled I came to discover in terrible ways that people who I had... held in high regard and trusted were not worthy of that esteem. The betrayal was a different one, but I am... I wish you had not experienced that hurt.
( It's different, both of their circumstances, so incredibly that it can be hard to believe at times. ) I know I do not excel at articulating things always, and putting events of the past to words are a great struggle, but... if ever there are things you wish to know of me and what I am doing, I will tell you gladly. I've no desire for there to be secrets between us.
( Which is a bit of a leap from Cosima being observed and that betrayal, but... but it seems important to say, and for Cosima to understand. She wants to be someone Cosima can trust without worry, who she knows she can question or learn more about without struggle. )
I know. It means a lot that you'd tell me, as long as you can.
[She understands that missions are sometimes classified, that the choice isn't always Herian's. But the point remains.]
I worry about you too. But it also means a lot that you've got my back. That you'd say something, if you thought I was going too far or... [The verbal equivalent of a shrug.] You worry because you care, I get that. But you also don't try to make my choices for me.
Our choices are part of what defines us, and how we express ourselves. I'd not attempt to interfere with that.
( Herian is quiet for a moment, and then rubs her jaw thoughtfully, unseen though it is. )
Actually, I've... I think I have some difficult decisions to undertake, these next few months. I hope that I do not disappoint you with whatever outcomes prove necessary.
( A long moment passes as she organises her thoughts, a long inhale and heavy exhale. )
I am concerned by our present standing with the Chantry, and in Kirkwall. The forest that was grown where there was to be a memorial garden... it was created by Dahlasanor, so I suspect there will be negative reactions within the Inquisition if it were to be felled, but with the increasing violence in Hightown surrounding it...
( She sighs. ) I am going to appeal to the Chantry to see if the forest might be adapted into a garden, and offer Inquisition aid with such a project, to attempt to stabilise our position in Kirkwall and improve our relationship with the Chantry, that they might not be so set to work against us. However... with such a goal in mind, I fear that if they wish the forest wholly cleared, I will be bound to ensure it is done, and I am not eager to inflict that pain upon those whom Dahlasanor was dear to.
( But the land was never theirs, Kirkwall's losses were not theirs, and this is about protecting all of Thedas by securing allies, not just one group. She sounds really tired. )
That is a lot, [Cosima agrees, quiet.] But I think ignoring the tensions in Kirkwall isn't going to do anyone any favors. I realize the Inquisition is walking a delicate balance, but things aren't really getting better so far.
I hope it doesn't come to having to make the harder choice. For you in particular or more broadly.
Hey, that's not something you need to apologize for. Okay? We're here for each other. You're just... in the middle of a lot of extra shit. If the two of us were in my world instead, I'm sure I'd want more reassurance about all the crap I have to deal with too.
I just wish I could do more to actually help, you know?
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no subject
She hates it, but it's fine. She can't in good conscience protest Cosima's involvement if it should come to experiments and allow others to carry on, but...
well, she hates it, that old chestnut. Life's a barrel of laughs when you have control issues and are terrified of losing people. )
I'm sorry.
( For freaking out a little, for making this more about her feelings than was appropriate, for Cosima not having a choice in the past - all of that. )
No one should have taken that choice from you. ( Arguably an interesting position from someone who is pro-Circle when those do take some choices from people, but okay. ) Are you... referring to the matters from home?
no subject
[A pause, then regarding the second half:]
And yeah. Turns out I was being measured and observed without my knowledge for... a while. By someone I thought I could trust. It was a hell of a thing.
[Well, that, and the time she was experimented on by the Venatori, but Cosima is not interested in bringing that up again ever. At all.]
no subject
There was... when the Spire was annulled I came to discover in terrible ways that people who I had... held in high regard and trusted were not worthy of that esteem. The betrayal was a different one, but I am... I wish you had not experienced that hurt.
( It's different, both of their circumstances, so incredibly that it can be hard to believe at times. ) I know I do not excel at articulating things always, and putting events of the past to words are a great struggle, but... if ever there are things you wish to know of me and what I am doing, I will tell you gladly. I've no desire for there to be secrets between us.
( Which is a bit of a leap from Cosima being observed and that betrayal, but... but it seems important to say, and for Cosima to understand. She wants to be someone Cosima can trust without worry, who she knows she can question or learn more about without struggle. )
no subject
[She understands that missions are sometimes classified, that the choice isn't always Herian's. But the point remains.]
I worry about you too. But it also means a lot that you've got my back. That you'd say something, if you thought I was going too far or... [The verbal equivalent of a shrug.] You worry because you care, I get that. But you also don't try to make my choices for me.
no subject
( Herian is quiet for a moment, and then rubs her jaw thoughtfully, unseen though it is. )
Actually, I've... I think I have some difficult decisions to undertake, these next few months. I hope that I do not disappoint you with whatever outcomes prove necessary.
no subject
[She hesitates, then adds:]
You wanna talk about them at all?
no subject
I am concerned by our present standing with the Chantry, and in Kirkwall. The forest that was grown where there was to be a memorial garden... it was created by Dahlasanor, so I suspect there will be negative reactions within the Inquisition if it were to be felled, but with the increasing violence in Hightown surrounding it...
( She sighs. ) I am going to appeal to the Chantry to see if the forest might be adapted into a garden, and offer Inquisition aid with such a project, to attempt to stabilise our position in Kirkwall and improve our relationship with the Chantry, that they might not be so set to work against us. However... with such a goal in mind, I fear that if they wish the forest wholly cleared, I will be bound to ensure it is done, and I am not eager to inflict that pain upon those whom Dahlasanor was dear to.
( But the land was never theirs, Kirkwall's losses were not theirs, and this is about protecting all of Thedas by securing allies, not just one group. She sounds really tired. )
no subject
I hope it doesn't come to having to make the harder choice. For you in particular or more broadly.
no subject
I'm... sorry I keep leaning on you to... reassure me.
no subject
I just wish I could do more to actually help, you know?
no subject
Her tone is gentle, and though she needs to take a moment to sound steadier, she manages it. ) You do more than enough, bláithín, I promise you.
We will speak soon.